Today is the first year without you. I don’t know how I feel. At times I cry and at times I smile. I’m kind of confused.
I’m sad because I miss your presence and I’m happy you are in a better place with the Lord Jesus Christ. I miss your smile, your hug, your voice and your tender caress. I miss not seeing you singing and dancing, what you liked the most!
It comforts me thinking that you may be having a big celebration in heaven with mama Cleme, as you used to call your mom, and the rest of the gang. At the same time, I wish I could be talking with you by phone today as we used to do every day. You see. I don’t know if I’m selfish or I’m just so happy you’re finally reunited with your loved ones and yes, with mama Cleme! That woman you barely enjoyed because she also went to eternity when you were just 6. That woman you never stopped talking about. I still remember that when you became ill, you called her each time you were afraid. Just like a little girls… I hear you say “mommy, mommy Cleme don’t let me fall…” I can’t imagine how much you missed her while growing up. You even called my dad… “look what’s left of me now… “ you used to say when the pain and strength were exhausted. I know at the end, life did not have the same meaning to you. You were tired and sick. You were fragile and strong. You didn’t want to overwhelm your children with the burden of the care. But we were there for you, day and night, just with the same love and sacrifice you gave us as we grew up by your side. Why not? You lost many nights sleep breastfeeding and raising your children with no complain. You were the best mom in the world to us.
Your pain didn’t get to your soul. You spoke to all of you 8 children words of wisdom until the end. You even blessed each one of us and to many more people. Your body was tired, your mind and your soul wanted to be free. I knew it, I saw it and yet, I still prayed to the Lord for a miracle healing or to listen to your cry. You see Mom, it is hard. I understood the end had come for you and for us, but I embraced the hope that it could last a little longer. I did not like to see you in pain. I actually prayed for the pain to go. I don’t know if I did wrong or I did right. I know God understood our hearts.
Mom, I keep deep in my heart the memory of the lasts days and nights we spent together in that hospital. We shared a lot. You told me how much you loved me, how much you adored me. We held hands each night until you fell to sleep while I was stroking your soft white hair. Then I kissed your forehead and prayed again.
You made me understood that you were ready to go. You said that many times. “time is up, time is over.” I was sad. I’m still sad. I was happy, I’m still happy. My heart is at peace. After all, we know the Lord! I know where you are. I know who took you by your hands to heaven. Yes, I know you are fine. You couldn’t be in a better place!
Mom, I still can hear your last words to me holding my hands in your heart and giving me a blessing: “your heart and my heart forever together”. Those last words and tears are carved in my heart forever.
I miss you mom. I love you so much!
Thank you for being my mother. Thank you Lord for given me the best mother in the world.
Rest at peace.